WWE WrestleMania 36 continues and now we have the Firefly Funhouse match, pitting John Cena against the Fiend. Surprisingly Cena does come out to the arena. Cena looks… uncertain, scanning around. Eventually he says “Welcome to WrestleMania” except he’s cut off with creepy images spliced with Vince McMahon and Gene Okerlund welcoming us to WrestleMania. We cut to the Funhouse where Bray says there’s a world just outside our comprehension. A world where Gods, demons, angels… are neighbors! Says Cena’s about to face his most dangerous opponent yet… YOURSELF! Welcomes us to the Firefly Funhouse and goes through the door. It zooms in on the sign saying Abandon All hope Ye Who Exit Here. When it zooms back out John Cena is standing there.
Firefly Funhouse Match: John Cena vs. The Fiend
He turns to see Ramblin Rabbit appear and greet him, tells him Bray went through that door. But be careful. John opens the door and slowly walks in… on the other side, he’s in pure darkness. Eventually the Vince McMahon puppet pops up with a scare chord! Asks Cena if he has enough Ruthless Aggression to make the necessary sacrifices in mind, body and soul for the success of this company! Bray is in the ring now, full shadow and plays the part of Kurt Angle making an open challenge! And out comes John Cena in his old debut attire, with the SmackDown FIST behind him!!! Incredible!! Bray asks why he thinks what it takes to face Bray Wyatt. Cena says RUTHLESS AGGRESSION and swings but Bray ducks it. Laughs and says he’s literally living his greatest failure right now. Says he can see why he almost got fired now. Cena keeps shouting RUTHLESS AGGRESSION and swinging and missing. Bray mocks him by singing “You can look but you can’t touch” with a Bella pose.
Rushes from the ring and Cena follows him, then we cut to a Saturday Night’s Main Event episode! BRay is behind a cage and says no matter how little talent you have, the important thing is MUSCLES! Introduces us to his tag partner Johnny Largeman! Cena comes in curling weights! Spouts a bunch of catchphrases as he continues curling at a rapid pace with campy workout music in the background. Eventually he drops the weights and screams, his arms limp! Bray asks what he’s gonna do when he realizes that Egomania has been running wild on you! Grabs and shoves him back in front of the Fist and now he’s Thuganomics John Cena.
As his old theme plays he again storms to the ring to meet Bray Wyatt. Cena asks if he can just switch like that in mid-fight? Audience will be excited, they just went from 6 to midnight. Oh he gets the joke, he can only talk in rhyme, right? Well that’s fine he won’t lose the shine he can take the limelight. Makes a crack about Husky Harris being fat. Says Bray has been a disappointment since he brought him to the dance. He’s a slut for opportunity, you blow it every chance. Shows him the Word Life knux. Bray asks how dare he talk about chances. He had to earn everything given in his life but still they take it from him. But John’s the Golden Goose, his chances are unlimited, he’s untouchable. But he’s not a hero he’s a bully. Says he takes the weaknesses of others and turns them into jokes. Says he’d do anything for fame. Congratulations, you’re the man now John! Poor lonely John Cena… says it’s his last chance man. The floor is his.
Cena grimaces calls him out for getting in his face and throws Deez Nuts in his face and charges, Bray ducks and nails him with chain! Trying to rhyme ‘face’ with ‘face’ was his downfall. Now we see the old Bray Wyatt. Saying he was the color red in a world of black and white. Says Sister Abigail told him of this day for years. Says John was meant to be a man of the people. Why can’t you hear them?! The chants of “He’s got the whole world in his hands” come up as he says the people wanted him, they needed him! But now it’s time to write his own story. Growls “Run” as he rushes out of the chair and clotheslines Cena, pulls him from the corner and does a little dance but he lets him go before the Sister Abigail. Tells Cena he knows this wasn’t going to be enough. But this is. He hands him a steel chair.
Bray gets on his knees and says years ago John made the wrong choice. Now he can fix it. Cena swings the chair at Bray’s head but he disappears… now we’re doing a Nitro parody?! Bray in nWo Wolfpac gear does a little Eric Bischoff impression as he introduces Hollywood John Cena! PUPPET MCMAHON SAYS ‘THIS IS SUCH GOOD SH*T!!!” Incredible! Cena arrives in his nWo shirt as Bray celebrates his arrival. Cena tackles him and clobbers him with punches! A lot of “Cena Sucks” chants play as John keeps pounding on him and we see some of Cena’s biggest losses and most hostile environments. Finally his shirt disappears and it turns out he’s been hitting Huskus instead. The Fiend appears behind John! As we hear Cena’s promo about Bray being overhyped and overvalued, the Fiend takes the claw to him and lets him bleed from the mouth for a minute before planting him with Sister Abigail and keeping him down with the Iron Claw! Bray makes the count for the Fiend and that is that!
Winner: The Fiend
That was… absolutely mind-blowing. The Boneyard Match was fun too but this… I think Bray actually just out Utlimate Deletion’d Matt Hardy. And thart’s saying something. That was everything great about this character. Hilarious and yet somehow legitimately dramatic and meaningful. Lovely stuff. This should be every Fiend match going forward.
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