Exclusive Interview With Wrestling Legend Vacant

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Brock Lesnar is one of the first names that comes to mind when you think of “dominance” in the ring. If you were a fan in the 80s there’s Nikita Koloff and Hulk Hogan. The 90s had Goldberg and Vader. In puroresu, Kensuke Sasaki’s period as a freelancer, Yoshihiro Takayama as a big early 2000s draw, Minoru Suzuki as a late 2000s draw, and Keiji Mutoh in All Japan all smacked of dominance. All of those names? Forget them. The most dominant wrestler of all time is six letters and one name: Vacant. 

A Lack of Wrestling Gold Means A Lack of Green for Vacant 

So, it’s no surprise that Vacant—the greatest World champion—isn’t pleased that he hasn’t had some major gold around their waist lately. “Listen, jack: I’ve been wrestling and boxing since before your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather was a twinkle in your daddy’s eye,” they said in speaking with us.

“William Regal says he wrestled in the tar fields of India, right? I wrestled in piranha and candiru infested waters in the Amazon! Commando.”

The mega-multi-time World champion was visibly annoyed that few wrestlers have been injured in the ring. “Look, when someone doesn’t blow out a quad or bust all their back and neck up, I don’t get gold. That means I don’t get the fat bonus for being at the top for a few weeks or a month.” 

When I asked about how they were being affected by not holding a championship, Vacant got even more riled up. “Swift, listen here—I have eight or nine ex-wives! That’s alimony. I’ve got around 30 or 32 baby mamas! That’s child support. Hell, I can’t even tell you how many kids claiming to be Vacant’s kid are just running around on all seven continents!” 

This part stopped me in my tracks before I could ask my next question. Fortunately, I collected myself and was about to continue when Vacant cut me off. “Yeah, you’re probably wondering what I meant. There’s a pair of skillet-faced twins in Antarctica who claim to be my kids! Can you believe it?” 

The Wrestling Legend Has Their Eyes On More Championships 

I didn’t know if they were joking or not but I managed to ask them about how COVID-19 was affecting his appearances and dates. “Shit, there aren’t many shows going on! I love gold, jack! When no one’s running shows, my waist is cold and naked,” they began.  

“Remember when Seth Rollins got injured in November 2015 and the belt wasVACATED?! When Survivor Series happened, Roman Reigns won his first world title. As soon as that happened, I was put out of the arena in the cold! The audacity!” 

At this point, I was getting tired of the wrestling legend shouting at me and pounding the table after every word. I decided to wrap the interview up by asking about their plans for the rest of 2020.  

“Well, wrestling will bounce back and shows will resume later in the year. I’m going to get more champions, the hell you mean?!” Vacant shouted.  

“I’ve won every championship—world titles, TV titles, women’s titles, tag titles! Belts in boxing, MMA, wrestling on every continent! I’ve never been injured in over a century of combat sports. But I’ll tell you this. When a wrestler leaves because of pregnancy, I’ll be there! If someone is put on suspension because of wellness violations, I’ll be there! When someone further busts their knee up and need to sit out some months, I’ll be there!” 

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