PFL superstar Kayla Harrison appeared thoroughly disappointed in her latest appearance on The MMA Hour. Harrison lost in the PFL finals against Larissa Pacheco, her first career loss in MMA, and discussed how her performance – or lack thereof – keeps her up at night.
“It just keeps me up at night. I think too, part of what has made me tick for so long — if you ever do any research and you look at super successful people, a lot of it is fear-based, or worth-based, and for a long time, very much, my success was fear driven.
Kayla Harrison: PFL Loss “Keeps Me Up at Night”
I needed to be loved, because I didn’t receive the love that I wanted as a child. So I needed to be the straight-A student, I needed to be the superstar athlete, I needed to have two Olympic gold medals, I needed to do that in order to feel worthy of love.
As I get older, obviously in my conscious brain I can understand that winning and losing doesn’t define who I am, but in the subconscious part of the brain… it’s still very much a real thing for me, that, ‘Ugh. I’m a worthless piece of s*** now.’
It’s something I have to deal with. I’m a human being and I struggle with these things the same as any other person, so losing for me makes me question my value sometimes. Not just dealing with the loss, but reminding myself that my worth isn’t based in my performance. It’s who I am as a person and the people who love me, love me no matter what.
This is so silly. It’s a fight. What are we talking about? Nobody died. My kids don’t give a s***. They love me. So it’s all kind of silly.” Reflecting on her performance, Harrison regretted that it was “just not a great night”.
“It was just not a great night for me. I take pride in normally, I normally shine under the bright lights. I’m usually laser-focused and I have super clarity, and that night I really just didn’t. Normally I don’t hear the crowd, I don’t hear anything, and it was almost like I was watching me fight. It was a s***** experience for me, I’m not going to lie. I did not fight my best.
She was physically much different. Obviously, it’s been three years since we fought, and she was strong then. I think that’s also why I lost the fifth: I just didn’t have anything left in the tank. And that’s a hard pill to swallow.
I’m usually the person that digs deep and finds a way, and I don’t know that I’ve ever not been able to find that next gear or find a way. That fifth round is what I lost, and that’s hard. That’s a hard pill to swallow that I didn’t have what it took that night.”
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