How can we talk Squash Match Masters without getting into the Road Warriors? These guys could’ve taught a college course on how to crush opponents on television.
Life hacks are big now in saving time and energy doing mundane things. The Road Warriors could do several life hacks for wrestlers on defeating folks in under two minutes.
Let’s into three select squash matches you must check out! All matches here can be found on YouTube and possibly the WWE Network.
The Road Warriors Mash Mortal Enemies the Mulkeys (NWA, 12/20/86)
Nothing much to say here since this was an under one-minute squash. There’s just something to hearing the opening to Black Sabbath’s Iron Man after a tag team is announced first with no entrance.
You knew the Road Warriors were going to give them that work. In this case, they pinned both Mulkeys without incident. It was as if they had somewhere to be—probably another city to crush their jobbers—and they were cutting their travel time close!
Hawk and Animal Murderize Local Grapplers (WWE Wrestling Challenge, 07/15/90)
I always liked Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan on commentary. Together, they were at their best during squash matches. They got the promo for other matches in, they always had jokes, and they were keen on calling the action in an entertaining way.
Praise for the booth out of the way, Al Burke and Bob Bradley didn’t stand a chance. It was such a negative chance of victory that Bob-O-Matic resorted to The Jobber’s Guide of Surviving Squash Matches and just stayed on the apron while Burke got murked.
Two Mid-West Scrubs Get Clapped with Authority (AWA, 08/24/84)
A match from the ooze from which the Road Warriors originated with jobbers Larry Wilson and Koko Lewis being fed to Hawk and Animal.
What I love about this match is how the jobber team is getting clapped so hard that they tag out to escape the beating. Like why subject your partner to this? Sure, you don’t want to powerslammed and clotheslined out of your trunks by them but at least try to consider their neck and spine.
You couldn’t say it’s a sound tag strategy because the writing was on the wall once they saw the card. Check out how Koko eats that clothesline from Animal to end the match. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find my all-time favorite squash from the NWA where their music was still playing and one Road Warrior was still on the apron when they won the match.
It was a thing of beauty, folks.
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